My friend, Michelle Majors wrote a book on the subject of breakups called “From Break Up…To Wake Up!” – a guide to navigating the ups and downs of a breakup to emerge wiser and stronger. I’ve been deeply inspired by Michelle’s book and I have my own thoughts on breakups. I think most people, unless they live in a convent or bubble have experienced rejection, romantic or otherwise, at one time or another. If it is a painful breakup you’re going through, you may start to wonder if you’ll ever be okay. Recovery time depends on the length of the relationship, the depth and seriousness of it, parting circumstances, etc.
I know people who’ve had a difficult time getting through a breakup – especially when they were on the receiving end. Some people don’t deal with any of the emotional pain and jump into new relationships as a quick fix – carrying that Coming to America type baggage I’ve mentioned before. Psst! It WILL come back to haunt you and you will eventually have to face it. There may also be emotions or thoughts that eat away at your self-esteem and self-image, affecting your ability to “get over it” and move forward with your life. As with other types of loss – like death and divorce – some people never get through a severe heartbreak. I’m reminded of that old sweet soul song that says, “How do you mend a broken heart/what makes the world go round?” Yeah, well, we kinda know how the latter part works, but what about the first?
I may not have the answer, but here’s MY prescription for bad breakups: f-him.
What were youuuu thinking? Forgiveness doesn’t mean you condone or accept whatever was done to you (real or perceived). It just means that you release the emotion around the behavior. Forgive as often as you need to until it rings true. It should be done without anger – and don’t try to be slick by following it with a negative e.g. “I sincerely forgive you, for what you did… you scum-suckingsonofa [choice expletive].”
Then f-orget him. Deuces. PEACE. They are now someone you used to know and used to have a relationship with. Then do the celebrity thing and refer to him with his official name change. He will now be known as The Punk Beeotch Formerly Known As My Love. No need to be evil or passive aggressive. Believe me, if you know something unjust was done to you – it will come back around. I know for a fact… and what came back was worse than anything I could have thought up. But yes – forget him.
Here’s the thing… while you’re over there feeling miserable, pining, eating ice cream by the pint (which will cause you to gain weight, which will make you feel worse) – that dude is living it up. He’s looking better than ever… laughing, loving, sexing and just doin’ whatever he do. Good – let him do him. Forget him. If you’re no longer involved romantically, intimately, physically, spiritually… then what he’s doing has nothing to do with you. Nada. Accept that he is someone who was once a part of your life. If you have to be around the person for some reason (say, workplace), make yourself alright with it and do the best to deal with it – unemotionally.
You will always have memories – no need to tarnish, regret or discount those. I still laugh about things I shared with exes. I feel blessed because that was obviously when the “good parts” shone through. Some of my exes are creeps. I said it. If you’re an ex or sorta ex and you’re semi-stalking me by reading this – you know who you are and just admit it: you’re a creeeeeeeeeeep. I know, what does that say about me? It says: I’m human and I make bad choices in men… but they’re still creeps. lol
But yeah… keep those special memories in your heart, but do not let them influence your actions. That’s faulty logic… “Aw, he really could be sweet… he really made me laugh…” and leads to maybe’s. It’s okay to really miss him but there a hundred other dudes who are sweeter, funnier, sexier and will know they have found a wonderful treasure in you.
All the world’s a stage and we are constantly changing roles. I say claim your role as the f-him girl. Be regal, royal but like a good queen, gracious. And if you find yourself feeling like you’re pretending to not care and you do – you may have a more pain to process. It takes time. However, if you are truly tired of feeling like crap, you need to YELL “f-him.” I don’t care if you think you still love him. He’s done with you. When you stay ensnared by those emotions, he has power over you. He has power because what he did makes you feel unworthy, unloved, rejected and you KNOW that’s not true. Don’t give any person that kind of power over your spirit. When you’re ready to be done with those emotional ties that bind you, you’ll know.
Utter one last f-him, put that relationship behind you, and keep on high-stepping.