I agree. I think my intentions are always good. As I’ve said, I am a romantic and an optimist so I will put myself out there if I’m feeling the man and the relationship. But honestly, the more I think I know, the more I realize I haven’t got a clue. Knights in shining armor turn out to be little more than mean-spirited common folk. Upstanding gentlemen turn out to be whiny, tantrum-throwing children with boogery noses. It’s forced me to ask myself, yet again. What. Is. The. Deal? I guess it’s me.
It’s funny I should be thinking about this because I don’t even feel like I’m ready to embark on a serious romance. I’m bitter and intolerant. Yes, I’m woman enough to admit that. Not only do I not have a clue, but lately, I have no use for men folk outside of friendship and business. None. Why? Because, like I said, even when I think I’m on the right track, my perception is clouded. It’s painfully true – you see what you want to see. In the midst of situations, you’re too close to get a good idea of what the dude is really about. As it turns out, you could actually be in the eye of storm. Everything is lovely, calm and hopeful, next thing I know I’m like Dorothy, “We must be up inside the cyclone!”. Where that storm sets you down and the severity of the damage determines what you do after that. Well, my storms have made me leery and distrustful. In time, it’ll get better, but when I think back… man. E was right. Shiddy dudes. That I chose. Great job, Val!
Jaded, Cynical & Angry
I told my sister I was jaded. She said I’m cynical. I said, “That too – allathat.” I have no idea what they want. I like my mens a little grimy, but, constant coyote in the hen-house where I’m the only hen behavior is a huge turn off. Yeah, I’m thick, but I’m not a slab of meat slathered with barbecue sauce. Hey, that barbecue sauce incident was a one time thing. I’m JOKING. Really. C’mon, now. Freaks. As far as physical relationships go, it’s way too dangerous out there… especially when Walmart has AAs on sale on the regular. Not the cheap joints either – Duracell. Besides, I’m not going out like that if I can help it. And I can.
I read a book — have read it several times, actually — called Necessary Losses. I may have mentioned it before but it was helpful – a guide to the psychology of loss and letting go. Not so helpful with the anger though. I’m certain I could benefit from an anger management course. Though I’m not a violent person, I remarked to my girl once (while discussing old relationships), “He really has no idea the will power it took to keep me from punching him dead in the mouth. If only he had been closer to the window… it’s okay though, because I’ve visited too many prisons and have no desire to go.” I exhibit punk like behavior from time to time, but there were times when I’ve been really afraid for men from my past. Rather than leave them with 3rd degree burns or shredded flaps of skin from my verbal assault, I leave it alone. Maybe that’s where the anger comes from. Might be healthier if I cut a ni88a up now and then. lol
I Don’t Get It
Jokes aside, I’m not a difficult woman. I promise I am not. I don’t even profess to be that Strong Black Woman who don’t need nobody. I can be nice, sweet and thoughtful – if I like you. I don’t curse people out, mind my elders. I’m mild mannered and dare I say, even-tempered. But when it comes to men… *shaking my head* I was watching Don’t Be a Menace to South Central the other day and Dashiki’s poem had me crying, “Love me and leave me, that’s the story of my life. But it won’t happen again, see. NAH. Cuz the next ni88a to leave, I’ma cut off his…run him over with my car.”
Anyway, I am fine with being single but I can say, with a hint of sadness, that I don’t know if I believe in lasting love. I think I do. It sounds nice and apparently some people get it to work, but the rest of us flit between goo-goo eyed new love, hum-drum meantime relationship boredom and agonizing, though necessary, separations. Or we settle – knowing that it’s not what we want but at least we can say we have something, someone. I have a problem with the latter because I know I am entitled to more. I’ve no interest in men I know are married or otherwise involved. Not my thing – never was. I’d much rather be alone than purposely put myself in drama.
Sidebar: On that married thing….I don’t talk about business here, but I just remembered a conversation I had with a client some time ago. My dialogue with clients is generally professional and friendly. Comfortable if I’ve known them awhile – just not THAT comfortable. Through the course of the initial consultation with this particular client (male), he kept saying “my wife.” Maybe he just loved his wife. Great. But it seemed odd and I didn’t think I was being overly sensitive. It just wasn’t relevant or appropriate for our discussion. Afterwards I wondered if he thought I was going to try to get at him or that I got bigger contracts by flirting. Or, perhaps he was sniffing around, putting it out front that he was married so if we got involved (in his mind) he could say he told me in the beginning. Either way, it bugged me. Really not my thing.
As I’ve said before, life goes in cycles – which means people come back around. Sometimes they mistake you for the creature you were a year or even six months ago and treat you accordingly. Don’t they realize life circumstances change and re-define people on the daily? Flash back to a time where my emotions ran wild… I made a brother cry once when my tolerance level bottomed out and I spoke my mind. Yes, that pleased me because all I spoke was the truth. Later, a different man made the assumption I was a weak-minded chick and narrowly escaped a venomous, verbal lashing. Weak minded… is that what I’m sending out? If it is, it needs to be corrected. Have you any idea what I’ve endured in life thus far? I’m tougher than I look. Believe that. Fast forward – I’m much more conscious of my behavior and realize it doesn’t have to (and more importantly, should not) be forced on others. At the same time, if undesirable behavior is being forced on me, I can, in most instances, choose to confront or disengage.
I Grew A Pair
So… last week I discovered they’re growing again. It’s not a bad thing as far as I’m concerned. Yes, I grew them years ago – they were essential for business – but they shrink a little sometimes. I don’t consciously remind myself or others that they’re there. What am I talking about? Testicles. Somewhere along the line, your girl grew some, pardon the slang, balls. People doubting my abilities, my creativity, my processes, my knowledge, my identity??? You got questions. I got your answers – right heah. I know who the hell I am – who are you? I’ve never been spineless. Unable to articulate, yes, but never spineless. That’s not my nature – what IS my nature is my quiet spirit. I may not say much but that doesn’t mean I’m complacent or ready to explode/wig out, it just means I reserve sharing those feelings with those who are closest to me.
Am I too evil to meet a nice guy? (Shift back to Dorothy: “Why, I’m not a witch at all.”) Nope. But I’m not ready right now. *big grin* Clearly, I have… issues. Too hardcore to fall for someone? Nope. I don’t deal with men who have no strength. Not physical strength – strength in mind and spirit. People will waste as much or as little of your time as you allow. My point is, don’t waste my time if you already know you’re coming half-assed. If you can’t hang, please step aside. Or don’t… but have the ice, bandages and Neosporin ready, because I will bust that lip.
Woo. Felt great to let that go. My own release therapy. Peace be with you, gentle people.