The first “one” didn’t love himself too much. Therefore, he was unable to love me. He strayed and all kinds of drama followed. I was hurt because I wasn’t honest with me. Truth is, I saw who he was but I put my own excuses on top of his excuses and it just failed. Miserably. Lesson learned.
In every relationship, there is a lesson learned. Sometimes it’s about not being true to you. Other times it’s about not being true to someone else. The second “one” was a good person with some bad traits. I thought the good traits would somehow make the bad traits disappear. Nope! Lesson learned.
The third “one” (yes, the third) was what I thought I wanted but not what I needed. Same lesson. Shame I didn’t figure this out awhile ago! There’s a pattern. Self-deception! Lack of truth. False hopes and expectations. I broke my heart with him. Now I know to look for the error of my ways and take responsibility for what I did wrong. I forgive me and try to apply what I’ve learned to new situations.
I’m thinking about how people are when you first meet, after you meet, after you’ve known them for a bit…. I once met a man as complex as a Rubik’s Cube – you could just look at him and tell he was going to be difficult. Hehehehehe It was a challenge. I did my homework and made numerous observations. He would become uncomfortable when I told him these things. I surmise it was because I was a little too close for comfort. It was like lining up three red squares only to have him snatch the cube away, twist it in twenty different directions, then hand it back with an evil laugh. “Here! Figure THAT out.” Stinkin’ cubes! I gave up…puzzles like that take a lot of time and with him snatching it every time I came close, I decided it just wasn’t worth the hassle at the time. I can, however, tell you that I loved his big Rubik’s cube head more than I’ve ever loved any other man and it felt great. We had a spiritual connection. 🙂
I met another man who was like a hologram. You look from one angle and it’s “oooo..that’s cool” and then you shift direction and see something else. You aren’t quite sure which way you turned it, or what you did to see it…but there’s definitely something there. Hologram people are kind of eerie. You think you see one thing when there is really something else also there – if you don’t hold it in the right light – you don’t see it. It never seems to look the same because the light is always different. Sometimes you see something you don’t like. I’m wary of this kind of man!
Then there are transparent people. Who they are is so close to the surface that you can almost see it. All you have to do is look a bit closer. I think I am a transparent person at times. My emotions are very close to the surface but I don’t think this is necessarily a bad thing. I also met a man who I called “naked” because he wore his pain so close to the surface. He was a bit bruised – somewhat battered. The part about it that touches me, since I tend to be compassionate, is that I have a pretty good idea who did it: he did! To see other people struggle with their experiences compels me to help in any way I can. I don’t do the advice thing but I always listen. The transparent guy had a sincerity about him that could just make me cry. Foine too. He was a blessing and I was very happy to have met him.
Updated Reflection: I think you can find love if you’re open to it but finding a real and healthy connection with someone is not easy to find. When/if you do, I would suggest you hold on to it.